Where the F are YOU?

Now that we got past this intro shit let’s move on shall we?

I am BIG self-help nut. More so business and spiritual self-help. I am currently reading “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy which you may know as the published of success magazine. I suggest picking up this book if you have a hard time implementing positive habits in your life; it’s a breeze to read through and has some great action steps.

Anyway I am in the middle of this book and Darren starts talking about how when he decided he wanted to settle down and find his person he wrote a 40 page document (I think we would all agree that is a size of a novelette) about what his dream women was like. Let’s ignore the fact that this sounds absolutely creepy and almost serial killer like. I can picture one of Darren’s lines being like “This is what she looks like when she sleeps.” Lunacy.  Other than my deeply concerns for Darren’s wife security if she does something that is not within this 40 page spec-sheet let’s get to the  point that this man was able to come up with 40 fucking pages of this. I don’t even think I could write 5 pages. Yea probably not. Maybe one page?

My one page would go a little something like this: Be an average body weight and don’t dress like a boy. Point blank.

I 100% understand that I am by no means perfect but come girls just because you like girls doesn’t mean you give up on all sense or self-pride. Scrolling through plenty of fish typically looks like me:

subway girl

 

Just replace this sadly overweight child running away from Jared Fogle with a 20-30ish female running away from quit possibly their own shadow.

As you are all are aware now I am not much in the dating scene but this profiles make me want to become a monk, because I am pretty sure they don’t mate, could be 100% wrong on this one, but you know what I mean.

I truly believe that a true connection is based on a soul connection but some sort of physical attraction has an initial factor that no one can deny. I just want to normal looking girl who I would actually be attracted to. Am I missing something?  I would like to think there are other sites that may be better but I have tried some and it all seems to be the same. Again no judgment, every pot has its top, but my top doesn’t seem to exist via the web. So where the hell do I find YOU?  Is there a platform I am missing? Do I just go hang out in gay bars and try like hell to remove my sunglasses?

Guidance and comments are welcomed. Come one, come all.  I feel like I fishing in the dark.

 

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Post Grad-Present Day

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

 Dale Carnegie

Like mostly anyone who goes away to college I was extremely sad and nervous when I graduated college.  It took me a full summer of drinking with my friends and pretending we were still in college to adjust to the real world. I have always been a hard worker and knew I wanted to be full self-dependent. So after my summer or silliness I got busy. I got into an M.B.A program and started working full time. Things start to fall into place and I could see my new adult life forming which I was pumped about. My friends were all in pretty serious relationships after a couple of years and I found myself really longing for that connection. It also made me realize that I never been in an actual relationship before with anyone I really cared about or actually wanted to sleep with. While driving to work one day I remember asking the universe to find me someone who I could fully love and regardless of the outcome( break up, pain, whatever) that I would at least know what it felt like.

It is truly amazing how the universe works. I am now what I would like to call a spiritual junkie but at that point in time I just had a deep and clear need and decided to ask the universe to open some doors without realizing the full power of my words. And doors they did open.

Without going into the full sob story I fell hard. Really hard. I felt love. Pure and meaningful love. It was great and then after a year it wasn’t.  Females are tricky man and the female I was interested in had the need to be with a man. Gross. No offense.

So now I know what love is and I know what heart break is. Can put a big check mark on that list.

 

“But I’m a cheerleader”

As long as I can remember I’ve liked girls. This probably started off when I was around 11 years old. Early bloomer I know. Good thing for me that it was girls or I would probably be preggers in high school and be on the MTV show, crazy and pregnant? No that’s not it. Oh yes teen mom, same difference. I have flashbacks from time to time of me and my next door neighbor doing some questionable things. My parents caught us and I remember how disgusted everyone seemed. I buried this so deep that I sometimes questions if it really happened. From that point and into my mid 20s I tried to fake it and pretend to be interested in guys. It’s been an uphill battle of drunken fakeness that still continues on and off today.

If you are like me and been fighting this internal battle you probably wanted to know about anyone who felt like you did or at least see a love story play out. Luckily the internet age allows us to connect now but growing up the internet was for AIM( AOL instant messengers for you chickens out there) & some questionable chat rooms that I was banded from . One “love story” I stumbled on was the movie “But I’m a Cheerleader.”  As you may have guessed from this fabulous title it is a movie about a girl who likes girls and doesn’t seem to know. When confronted by her family her response to getting sent to what I will call, get straight camp, was “But I’m a cheerleader.” I think it won a golden globe?

Anyways I did not make any major life changes as a result of the wonderful content from this movie but this title did stick. I changed it to meet my point of view to “But I’m a sorority girl.”  Not only am I a sorority girl but I was the head sorority girl in my college. Because of this and my drunken need to kiss anyone good looking it made it pretty easy to fly under the radar. I am coming up on my 30th birthday and like most females my age my friends are either engaged, married, or with child. I am sure they have their own thoughts on me but for the most part they probably believe I am career hungry kissing slut who doesn’t need anyone. Semi accurate.

Ground Rules

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”

– Benjamin Disraeli, former British Prime Minister.

I am gay. To be more exact I am a lesbian. The honest and slightly sad truth is that this the first time I am saying this out loud (well via the internet). My goal of this blog is to welcome you to my story and journey with hope that in some way my story will encourage you( my faithful and loyal readers) to take a c t i o n. I read once that you shouldn’t judge anyone without knowing their story. Everyone struggles in some way shape or form, visible or non-visible; everyone is facing their own internal battle. These struggles or stories are what holds me back. Back from achieving over happiness, becoming my best and true self, and creating my ideal world. Through my own personal stories I hope to create movement and action for myself and I hope to inspire others to do the same.

Ground Rules:

OKIE guys this is going to be a long journey so like any good road trip let’s get this party started with some ground rules.

Rule #1:  I cannot spell. No like really can’t spell to save my life. This also plays a big part in my lack of understanding for grammar. I somehow was able to function in this world by memorizing each word that I now know today. I know right? It’s madness that there is any head space available for me to use. I use it wisely though don’t worry. For example I know every single word to “It’s tricky” by run DMC which ALWAYS comes in handy. So please don’t judge or leave comments with corrections, which sounds awful for both of us. You have been warned.

Rule#2: I am doing this blog anonymously. That’s right I am in the closet. Deep in the closet where you keep that jumpsuit that one day will come back in style. That deep. Now only you and my psychic friend know this secret. There are many reasons why I am still in this room. My hope is that telling my story through this blog will allow me to move towards freedom and will help me get out of the closet and hopefully to a nicer room, like a living room with a fireplace.

Simple rules right? I am not even sure why I numbered them but oh well there they are for you to reference.