Secrets,secrets, are NO fun.

I think we can all agree to some degree that everyone is holding onto some type of secret. Whether it is a small secret, I ate that cupcake last night but am not telling anyone, or it can be a much larger secret, I am gay and don’t want to tell the world who I really am. I my friends am guilty of both.

While there are several talking points and perspectives regarding secret telling in general I am here to share my developing perspective.

As a little kid I remember seeing movies showing various stages or settings of secret telling. We share these secrets or hidden items about ourselves to only a selective special group of people or a special individual. I think that was the point of having a best friend? So you can tell all your secrets to that one person and no one else. This is why the commonly used phrase, “Can I tell you a secret? Exists.  I can just picture two little girl sitting on a tree limb or a swing set and whispering this exact phrase to each other and hugging directly after as they just took their friendship to a new level, the shared secret level.

It’s almost like granting someone a special medal or trophy. You win! You get to know all my secrets! Now don’t tell anyone or this friendship is over!

Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 your gatekeeper to your secrets may want to tell all your secrets to their special or new best friend in order to gain an in that they may not have had access to before. At least this was what occurred at my elementary school.

Thing is this does not stop at childhood. We continue this secret keeping and telling well into adulthood and we get even more upset every time a secret is revealed.  You would think our 10 year old self would have learned by now.

My real question is when did we decide that secret keeping was an accepted and typical thing for people to do?  It has become so widely acceptable and almost encouraged by society but can truly be one of the most cancerous things we can do.

The issue is that secrets and holding on to these secrets is anything but healthy. When we keep secrets we are either being dishonest and not forthcoming with others or we are not being honest or forthcoming with ourselves.

We have let this secret telling spiral become out of control. I envision us all sitting around with these ticking time bombs just waiting to implode.

Even the smallest secrets can all be directly associated with a fear based emotion.

For example when I eat a cupcake and decide not tell anyone I did it is holding a secret. I am hiding this information because I feel guilty. This guilt is based out of fear that I will be seen as compulsive and unhealthy by society.

Smaller secrets of course are not as impactful but the larger and more complex secrets take on a life of their own.

I will again reference the book “Spiritual Partnerships” by Gary Zukav as he provides a clear insight to secret keeping.

He states the following: “When fear motivates a secret, a façade replaces authenticity, falsehood replaces honesty, and deceit replaces integrity. Spontaneity diminishes and then dies. Creativity depletes the keeper of the secret rather than refreshes her. Whatever you feel that you should not be and know that you are- or want to be- is your secret, and keeping it confines you.”

He sums up this point by stating “Until you can say what is most difficult for you to say, you cannot speak from your heart, live unafraid, create health, or receive support from others.”


I can completely relate to this statement. Keeping my secret for 30 years may not 100% obvious has absolutely kept me from connecting with people on a higher level. By holding this information back from my friends and family I am creating this invisible gap between us. It also makes it hard to create new relationships as our initial connection is not based on honesty which should be the building block of all long term relationships.


I have always realized that sharing this secret was going to be one of the biggest hurdles of my life but I am only now becoming aware of all the consequences I have created by not sharing this information.

This secret can be holding me back from meeting my soulmate, making deeper and longer lasting friendships, and cultivating existing relationships.

As I continue to work through this secret sharing I would like us all to take a moment and think about the secrets we hold. Smaller cupcake eating or big life alternating secrets. Start by off-loading the smaller ones and be with me on this mission to relieve the large ones to the people who matter most and then work on the new outsiders coming in.

It’s all a ticking time bomb and only time that we have is here and now so why not start now?

I’ll let you know when I get there.


For Fear or for Love?

I just returned from one of my best friend’s wedding.  1st wedding party I was ever in and I was pumped for it. Unlike a lot of my friend’s relationships I believe that these two amigos actually liked each other and were not just getting married to be married. When I showed up two nights before their wedding I did not see the two people who I believe to be so in love. They were fighting about every little thing.  Before you jump back at me with the “Well what do you expect! They must be under a lot of stress with the big day being 2 days away”.  I get that. Noted and underlined.This was something different.

I not sure how to explain it but their personalities are SO different. They did not seem like they were growing and learning together but rather nagging and nit picking after every comment the other one made. Again I get this can all be chalked up to wedding stress but oh man if this is LOVE  I am signing off on this one.

While I do think this relationship may not be a spiritual one like I discuss previously I did want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were actually happy and are wholeheartedly getting married for the right reason.  So I went on with the rest of the festivities playing along and kept my initial excitement in my heart.

While on this ride I got to see some friends I have not seen in years.


The one person who I was most excited to see was my high school friend turned college best friend. He is one of my favorite people in the world and he happens to be gay.


I have attempted to speak to him about me leaning towards liking women and always thought maybe he would be a good person to seek advice and comfort from. When I tried to tell him in college he was not willing to hear. While he is open and proud there is certainly a part of him that has some shame revolving around his sexuality. I tried to confide in him once and he ran away hold his ears because he did not want to hear. So that was that.


I remember having a couple of thoughts leading up to seeing him of how cool it would be to talk to him about it. These were really passing thoughts not like I am on mission to come out to him this weekend thoughts.  They quickly left my reticular cortex and I moved on with my day.


Oddly enough on our bus ride back to the hotel he decides to ask me why I was not planning on sleeping with a guy I used to make out with. I responded that I didn’t feel like it and his immediate response are you a lesbian? –>ask and you shall receive?


I was so thrown off and while being in front of a bus of drunken wedding guests that I replied well no. He press some more and I replied, If I was what would it matter to you?  His response back stumped me. “That would be harder for me if you were gay.”

For HIM? Who the fuck was he kidding?

He then started ranting on how he is 30 and single and wants to find a man to take care of or for someone to take care of him and how hard it all is. Completely perplexed at this point I dropped it and moved on to helping him realize that “taking care of someone” should not be the reason you want to be in a relationship.

The whole conversation threw me off but these are my main takeaways from his drunken confession and this whole wedding experience.

Mostly everyone is looking to be in a relationship to fill a void or a need (i.e. take care of someone, having security and comfort, etc.). I get this on some level. There is a place in my heart that wants to have someone by my side that is undyingly committed to being on this journey called life with me not matter what the circumstances.


There is also another side of my that knows if you are not growing to together you are dying together and why hold on just because you once said you always would? God I think about the people I longed for during the course of my life and if we were in a relationship now I would have killed them off already because things change. People change.


There has to be happy middle ground here and I think that is what a spiritual partnership is all about. You get in a relationship for the right reasons (not to fill a void) and know that if you are not growing or learning together there is no need die together. You commit to each other for as long as it makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense then you know it’s time to move on even if that is alone.

The thing I cannot stand for and never will stand for is people getting in a relationship to fill this void when they don’t even like that person. Our society continues to put such a pressure on this “American Dream” of getting married, buying a house, and having 2.5 kids that people continue to jeopardize or deny themselves of what they really want and desire. Start liking yourself and maybe you wouldn’t settle for the drug addict down the street just to prove that you are living “the dream”.

Being gay will make my available candidate pool that much smaller of people who want to be on a spiritual journey with me. Small pool right?  If that not is clear how bath tub size small we are talking about let me break it down for you:


  • 1st let’s take the general population of employed, smart, funny, and independent/secure people in the world.
  • Then take the pool and ask who of them likes girls.
  • Out of that cut it into a decimal size shape of girls who looks like girls who like girls.
  • Then take that final pool and see if they are seeking a relationship for the right reasons & have a spiritual journey oppose to a pending death sentence


Small bath tub that can fit more than likely just me and my duck. Yes I mean rubber.


While this all may sound a little jaded and negative I do have hope and faith that this person or persons are out there just waiting for me to be ready to SEE them.  Until then I will just sit here in this Missouri coffee shop being happy that I have myself and all I need is here & now.

Survive or Thrive?

As I sit in the airport waiting for my flight I am deep in thought. Mainly about my upcoming trip and about the current book I am reading. The book is called “Spiritual Partners” by Gary Zukav. I am only on chapter 3 of this book but as far as I can tell the book’s theme is revolving around the fact that our world and our species is evolving.

Slowly but surely we are becoming more aware as a species to the other wonderful aspects of life other then what our primitive motivation used to be-> Staying alive and staying to course.

We are evolving to what Gary likes to call a “Multi-sensory human.”  This is contrary to “5-sensory humans” which is the current state of the majority of the population.

Throughout history we have been living to survive. We go through life by doing what we are “suppose to be doing” (or what society believes we should be doing).

We live through the stages of a beginning, middle, and end (yikes and really true?)

That my friend is our so called life. We look at obtaining things as part of survival but have no real awareness of a much bigger picture.

On the flip side the multi-sensory human sees things as not just cause and effect. For example I do xyz I will get a good job, someone will love me, I will get married, and will be happy. Cause & Effect.

The multi-sensory human knows that life is not merely what actions we take but what intention we have behind those actions will yield the current result. For example if we marry someone because of their money oppose to marrying them for the right reasons, our intentions, in this case, of being disingenuous will yield a result of someone being disingenuous to us in the future.

Gary also started talking (like this is personal native just to me) about love. He believes love in many cases is about having/ chasing external power. He talks about his friend who loses his dog. He discusses how much his friend loves the dog but when the dog returns he is angry at the dog for leaving. Anger=pain and any emotion or intention of pain cannot be true authentic love.

This all got me thinking of intentions of the actions we take and love in general.

Love is extremely important to me. In my self-talk I always (well in the past) have asked God for true and meaningful love. This is 100% of what I desire but why is that?

What is the true intention behind that thought pattern? Is it to feel safe? Is it to feel desired? Is it to feel comfort? What am I really looking for here?

As I sit at airport bar & I can’t help but hearing the others around me as I read.

“I moved to St. Louis because my girlfriend got pregnant with our kid and she wanted to be closer to her family.”

I hear these talk tracks all the damn time.

  • We got married because it was the right thing to do.
  • We’ve been dating for years, why not just get married?
  • He is a nice guy and I know he will never leave me
  • I really want a family
  • He treats me well
  • She will be a good mom to our kids
  • They are just so nice


These above lines shake me every day. Really people? These are the reasons why we are getting married or reasons we get in a relationship?!? And everyone wonders why more than half the populations, at least in the U.S, are divorced.


These intentions are all based on fear.

Fear, reliance, and attachment cannot yield a long lasting relationship, well at least not a spiritual one.

While I personally like to think that my intentions are more complex and are based on a bigger picture outside of fear I can’t help but to self-assess and I challenge everyone here to do the same.

Think deeply about your intentions for any action you take in life.

If it is attached to fear or any other negative emotion, re-think it. Make it stronger.

Make it out of pure love that does not demand a return. We are not just here to survive anymore friends, there is so much more than that.