I think we can all agree to some degree that everyone is holding onto some type of secret. Whether it is a small secret, I ate that cupcake last night but am not telling anyone, or it can be a much larger secret, I am gay and don’t want to tell the world who I really am. I my friends am guilty of both.
While there are several talking points and perspectives regarding secret telling in general I am here to share my developing perspective.
As a little kid I remember seeing movies showing various stages or settings of secret telling. We share these secrets or hidden items about ourselves to only a selective special group of people or a special individual. I think that was the point of having a best friend? So you can tell all your secrets to that one person and no one else. This is why the commonly used phrase, “Can I tell you a secret? Exists. I can just picture two little girl sitting on a tree limb or a swing set and whispering this exact phrase to each other and hugging directly after as they just took their friendship to a new level, the shared secret level.
It’s almost like granting someone a special medal or trophy. You win! You get to know all my secrets! Now don’t tell anyone or this friendship is over!
Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 your gatekeeper to your secrets may want to tell all your secrets to their special or new best friend in order to gain an in that they may not have had access to before. At least this was what occurred at my elementary school.
Thing is this does not stop at childhood. We continue this secret keeping and telling well into adulthood and we get even more upset every time a secret is revealed. You would think our 10 year old self would have learned by now.
My real question is when did we decide that secret keeping was an accepted and typical thing for people to do? It has become so widely acceptable and almost encouraged by society but can truly be one of the most cancerous things we can do.
The issue is that secrets and holding on to these secrets is anything but healthy. When we keep secrets we are either being dishonest and not forthcoming with others or we are not being honest or forthcoming with ourselves.
We have let this secret telling spiral become out of control. I envision us all sitting around with these ticking time bombs just waiting to implode.
Even the smallest secrets can all be directly associated with a fear based emotion.
For example when I eat a cupcake and decide not tell anyone I did it is holding a secret. I am hiding this information because I feel guilty. This guilt is based out of fear that I will be seen as compulsive and unhealthy by society.
Smaller secrets of course are not as impactful but the larger and more complex secrets take on a life of their own.
I will again reference the book “Spiritual Partnerships” by Gary Zukav as he provides a clear insight to secret keeping.
He states the following: “When fear motivates a secret, a façade replaces authenticity, falsehood replaces honesty, and deceit replaces integrity. Spontaneity diminishes and then dies. Creativity depletes the keeper of the secret rather than refreshes her. Whatever you feel that you should not be and know that you are- or want to be- is your secret, and keeping it confines you.”
He sums up this point by stating “Until you can say what is most difficult for you to say, you cannot speak from your heart, live unafraid, create health, or receive support from others.”
I can completely relate to this statement. Keeping my secret for 30 years may not 100% obvious has absolutely kept me from connecting with people on a higher level. By holding this information back from my friends and family I am creating this invisible gap between us. It also makes it hard to create new relationships as our initial connection is not based on honesty which should be the building block of all long term relationships.
I have always realized that sharing this secret was going to be one of the biggest hurdles of my life but I am only now becoming aware of all the consequences I have created by not sharing this information.
This secret can be holding me back from meeting my soulmate, making deeper and longer lasting friendships, and cultivating existing relationships.
As I continue to work through this secret sharing I would like us all to take a moment and think about the secrets we hold. Smaller cupcake eating or big life alternating secrets. Start by off-loading the smaller ones and be with me on this mission to relieve the large ones to the people who matter most and then work on the new outsiders coming in.
It’s all a ticking time bomb and only time that we have is here and now so why not start now?
I’ll let you know when I get there.