For Fear or for Love?

I just returned from one of my best friend’s wedding.  1st wedding party I was ever in and I was pumped for it. Unlike a lot of my friend’s relationships I believe that these two amigos actually liked each other and were not just getting married to be married. When I showed up two nights before their wedding I did not see the two people who I believe to be so in love. They were fighting about every little thing.  Before you jump back at me with the “Well what do you expect! They must be under a lot of stress with the big day being 2 days away”.  I get that. Noted and underlined.This was something different.

I not sure how to explain it but their personalities are SO different. They did not seem like they were growing and learning together but rather nagging and nit picking after every comment the other one made. Again I get this can all be chalked up to wedding stress but oh man if this is LOVE  I am signing off on this one.

While I do think this relationship may not be a spiritual one like I discuss previously I did want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were actually happy and are wholeheartedly getting married for the right reason.  So I went on with the rest of the festivities playing along and kept my initial excitement in my heart.

While on this ride I got to see some friends I have not seen in years.

 

The one person who I was most excited to see was my high school friend turned college best friend. He is one of my favorite people in the world and he happens to be gay.

 

I have attempted to speak to him about me leaning towards liking women and always thought maybe he would be a good person to seek advice and comfort from. When I tried to tell him in college he was not willing to hear. While he is open and proud there is certainly a part of him that has some shame revolving around his sexuality. I tried to confide in him once and he ran away hold his ears because he did not want to hear. So that was that.

 

I remember having a couple of thoughts leading up to seeing him of how cool it would be to talk to him about it. These were really passing thoughts not like I am on mission to come out to him this weekend thoughts.  They quickly left my reticular cortex and I moved on with my day.

 

Oddly enough on our bus ride back to the hotel he decides to ask me why I was not planning on sleeping with a guy I used to make out with. I responded that I didn’t feel like it and his immediate response are you a lesbian? –>ask and you shall receive?

 

I was so thrown off and while being in front of a bus of drunken wedding guests that I replied well no. He press some more and I replied, If I was what would it matter to you?  His response back stumped me. “That would be harder for me if you were gay.”

For HIM? Who the fuck was he kidding?

He then started ranting on how he is 30 and single and wants to find a man to take care of or for someone to take care of him and how hard it all is. Completely perplexed at this point I dropped it and moved on to helping him realize that “taking care of someone” should not be the reason you want to be in a relationship.

The whole conversation threw me off but these are my main takeaways from his drunken confession and this whole wedding experience.

Mostly everyone is looking to be in a relationship to fill a void or a need (i.e. take care of someone, having security and comfort, etc.). I get this on some level. There is a place in my heart that wants to have someone by my side that is undyingly committed to being on this journey called life with me not matter what the circumstances.

 

There is also another side of my that knows if you are not growing to together you are dying together and why hold on just because you once said you always would? God I think about the people I longed for during the course of my life and if we were in a relationship now I would have killed them off already because things change. People change.

 

There has to be happy middle ground here and I think that is what a spiritual partnership is all about. You get in a relationship for the right reasons (not to fill a void) and know that if you are not growing or learning together there is no need die together. You commit to each other for as long as it makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense then you know it’s time to move on even if that is alone.

The thing I cannot stand for and never will stand for is people getting in a relationship to fill this void when they don’t even like that person. Our society continues to put such a pressure on this “American Dream” of getting married, buying a house, and having 2.5 kids that people continue to jeopardize or deny themselves of what they really want and desire. Start liking yourself and maybe you wouldn’t settle for the drug addict down the street just to prove that you are living “the dream”.

Being gay will make my available candidate pool that much smaller of people who want to be on a spiritual journey with me. Small pool right?  If that not is clear how bath tub size small we are talking about let me break it down for you:

 

  • 1st let’s take the general population of employed, smart, funny, and independent/secure people in the world.
  • Then take the pool and ask who of them likes girls.
  • Out of that cut it into a decimal size shape of girls who looks like girls who like girls.
  • Then take that final pool and see if they are seeking a relationship for the right reasons & have a spiritual journey oppose to a pending death sentence

 

Small bath tub that can fit more than likely just me and my duck. Yes I mean rubber.

 

While this all may sound a little jaded and negative I do have hope and faith that this person or persons are out there just waiting for me to be ready to SEE them.  Until then I will just sit here in this Missouri coffee shop being happy that I have myself and all I need is here & now.

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