South Of Nowhere

I am packing up my apartment today feeling a little lonely and lost on Christmas Eve. I am excited for my journey ahead but for some reason, I think as humans, when we start looking ahead we also tend to reflect on the past. As I am looking back into the review mirror I think of how starved I am for real, honest, connection. The last time I felt any feelings of true love towards someone was 4 years ago and I still wear the wounds like a bag of honor over my heart. I continue to work on letting go and moving on but I feel like every inch I take forward I get a glimpse of what was and I tumble backwards. I am fully aware things change and that it all occurred for a reason even if it was not meant to be but I can’t help missing that feeling. The feeling of relief that you finally found someone. The feeling of butterfly’s at just the glance of them. The feeling of your heart beating so hard that you know this must be something real.

With those feeling so far from the present I start thinking of the easy way out. Maybe trying to like boys again and even as I write the sentence I can feel my whole- self rejecting that thought.   As I am driving to the donation center I remember a show I watched right after graduating college. It’s called “South Of Nowhere” and was the first show that I ever saw showing a love story between two girls.  I download it as soon as I got home and the feeling surged right back that I had when I first stumbled across it. That love between two girls is possible and real and I couldn’t help it but the tears just started falling. That is what I want and will always want. It is scary as hell but I know it’s my truth. If I ever want to live a connected or authentic life I need to start being honest with myself and everyone. I am grateful for this show and for the inspiration it provided me to get back on the right path.   My advice from all of this is that living a life that is not authentic is not worth living. Even if it is scary and hard there is no other way.  I seek courage and pray that my mind will switch and the truth will come out. Until then I take one step at a time, one day at a time, and expect miracles.

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Tell him. He needs to hear it.

When I come out to my love ones verbal communication may not be much of an option, at least at first. I can say this with confidence because when the psychic asked me if I was gay all I could do was burst into a baby pool of tears and nod my head. Therefore I knew that I would have to communicate this message in some other way. My thought has always been to write hand written letters & ask them to contact me when they were ready.

Not only did the psychic figure out my hidden gay card she also mentions that the person who needs to hear this information the most was and is my brother.

My brother has been struggling with a pill addiction since he was 18 years old and 11 years later he is still battling his way through.

Although the psychic may have suggested that I tell my brother I have always known deep in my soul that maybe if I told him this secret he would realize that we are not so alone after all.

So this is my first version of this letter. If these words can help others please pass them along.

These may be the hardest and the easiest words that I have ever written. Hard because it is the first time I am writing these words and easy because they have been played over in my mind since I was 11 years old.

So here it is. I like girls. Not only do I like girls, I know deep in my heart that if I fall in love it will be with a girl. I am sure you have thousands of questions and maybe even some lingering feelings that now seem to add up. This is my truth and it always has been. I am not sure why I have been so ashamed and scared to tell you or anyone else but it has been the greatest fear of my life and I am so sick of being afraid.

This will be different and confusing and it may be hard to know how to act around me but I am the same. You don’t have to tiptoe around me or be afraid of saying anything that may offend me because

I am the same.

More importantly than any of this is I need you to know that none of this life is easy. It hasn’t been easy for me and I know it has been difficult for you. I know it’s hard to see clearly and to have faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel but there is.

There has to be.

Neither of us would be here if all life was just an extended struggle to get from point A to B. What would the point of that be? How I see it is we both have been given many advantages in life that others are not so lucky to have. We have been fortunate to have all that mom and dad have given to us but there are some cards in the deck that neither of us saw coming. This does not mean we give up. This does not mean there is no hope. There is. Even if you don’t know where to start, I do. It starts one day at a time. It starts one small change at a time. This may sound like rainbows and butterflies but it’s not.

It will not be easy.

The easy thing would be to just let life happen to us and settle with the cards we have been dealt. But do you really want to let life just happen to you? I refuse to live that life. The only one who controls our future is us. Don’t get the circumstances of what happened in the past mistaken for what dedicates the future. The past does not control who we can and will be. We just need to start re-writing our story and our past will have nothing to do with the lives we are looking to create. It may be hard to start but once it has it will get easier. One day, one step, one change at a time and before you know it you are living a whole new life.

So while I am writing you to tell you the truth about me I am also writing so we can start our new lives together.  As a team. As a unit. As brother and sister. I am in this for the long haul. It will get easier and then it will get harder in all different ways but it will be OK.  I am down for the fight because what other fight is worth having? I’m ready for the war so come fight this first battle with me. I’ll bring snacks .