I am packing up my apartment today feeling a little lonely and lost on Christmas Eve. I am excited for my journey ahead but for some reason, I think as humans, when we start looking ahead we also tend to reflect on the past. As I am looking back into the review mirror I think of how starved I am for real, honest, connection. The last time I felt any feelings of true love towards someone was 4 years ago and I still wear the wounds like a bag of honor over my heart. I continue to work on letting go and moving on but I feel like every inch I take forward I get a glimpse of what was and I tumble backwards. I am fully aware things change and that it all occurred for a reason even if it was not meant to be but I can’t help missing that feeling. The feeling of relief that you finally found someone. The feeling of butterfly’s at just the glance of them. The feeling of your heart beating so hard that you know this must be something real.
With those feeling so far from the present I start thinking of the easy way out. Maybe trying to like boys again and even as I write the sentence I can feel my whole- self rejecting that thought. As I am driving to the donation center I remember a show I watched right after graduating college. It’s called “South Of Nowhere” and was the first show that I ever saw showing a love story between two girls. I download it as soon as I got home and the feeling surged right back that I had when I first stumbled across it. That love between two girls is possible and real and I couldn’t help it but the tears just started falling. That is what I want and will always want. It is scary as hell but I know it’s my truth. If I ever want to live a connected or authentic life I need to start being honest with myself and everyone. I am grateful for this show and for the inspiration it provided me to get back on the right path. My advice from all of this is that living a life that is not authentic is not worth living. Even if it is scary and hard there is no other way. I seek courage and pray that my mind will switch and the truth will come out. Until then I take one step at a time, one day at a time, and expect miracles.